Get Good out of Bad: Resilience in Difficult Times - Psychological Stoicism Part 5

Look for silver linings. When something bad happens, take some time to accept it and come to terms with it, and then see it as an opportunity to get good out of bad.

I have a Post-it note on my office door that says, ‘GGOOB’. Get Good Out of Bad. It’s a suggestion that when bad, uncomfortable, or challenging things happen, I should do as much as possible to transform them into good. I don’t seek out bad experiences and am never glad they happened. It is just a reminder that what seems terrible in the present can become a turning point that leads to something much better, even something transformative.

My actual Post-it note and not a stock photo!

Stoics don’t seek difficult, stressful, or troublesome times. As I have written before, they are not masochists. However, they do look for the benefits or silver linings in challenging circumstances or periods of life. Difficult times are not pleasant. They can be stressful, demanding and painful. It may seem disparaging to ask people to look for silver linings or turning points during these times, but doing so can help bring meaning, purpose, and a new outlook on life in what otherwise might have been a wholly bleak period.

During challenging times, most people fail to find potential benefits because they don’t attempt to look for them. In some cases, they don't look because they feel certain there are none to be found. In other cases, they don't look because, at a deeper level, they don't want silver linings to exist. They instead want to wallow in self-pity. Sometimes, this is understandable, and these people often deserve our sympathy.

Stoics, however, try to do the opposite. Indeed, they take pride in finding the silver linings of life’s setbacks. Consequently, if someone who has come under the influence of a dark cloud turns to a Stoic for help, they will likely respond, in part, by finding and pointing out the cloud’s silver linings.

Some people are irritated by such efforts. Modern-day Stoic William Irvine tells us that, in the past, these individuals were called ‘seek sorrows’, a word commonly used in the late sixteenth century to describe people who caused themselves sorrow or vexation. Such individuals will be dissatisfied by whatever circumstances they are in, and if you improve those circumstances, they will still be dissatisfied.

When COVID-19 hit the world, for some unfortunate people, the clouds of this storm were devoid of silver linings. In a matter of days, people who had been healthy were lying unconscious on a ventilator, and some of them never opened their eyes again. For many more people, though, the dark clouds of the pandemic did have silver linings if only they looked for them.

I looked for silver linings during the pandemic, or at least I was open to the idea of finding them. Fortunately, I found many, although it didn’t start well. My doctor called me to tell me that the medication I was on put me at greater risk for a severe case of the virus. I went through a few days of panic, fear and despair before adjusting to my new normal and seeking out the possible benefits. As it turned out, my medication didn’t put me at any increased risk, and my doctor was just following some advice from early data that turned out to be incorrect. Still, it gave me the heebie-jeebies and put me on a quest to make the most of the life I was currently living.

I know this might seem insensitive to some, and I do appreciate that many people suffered physically, mentally and financially during the pandemic, but I look back at that period with a certain amount of fondness. It provoked a rethink of my priorities and a sense of gratitude for the simple things I had previously taken for granted. No longer able to commute, I used the extra time to improve my physical fitness, change my diet, and learn new tech skills that enabled me to teach online with greater competence, confidence and expertise. I also learned to give myself a reasonable(ish) haircut, cook better(ish) and read more.

For me, a period that started in dismay and confusion turned into a time of growth and development. After those initial few days of feeling very claustrophobic and uncomfortable, I clearly remember the moment I looked at my GGOOB Post-it note and decided to look for silver linings. It wasn’t a moment of inspiration but a decision I made. The pandemic prevented us from doing many of the things we enjoyed, but simultaneously, it gave us an incentive to discover new skills and find different ways to spend our recreational time.

By taking things from us, the pandemic also revealed how many things we were taking for granted in our lives. These included, for example, going to cafes, concerts, sporting events, seeing friends, and hugging relatives. When life returned to normal, I savoured these activities, and I still make an effort to savour them now. Most mornings, I start my day by writing at my favourite cafe, and hardly a day goes by when I don’t pause at the beginning and remember the few years in the pandemic when I couldn’t do this. The pandemic gave me much more appreciation for these simple things in life.

I also found that this unsettling period was a good time to practice negative visualisation. I decided to read about previous pandemics and became particularly interested in the Spanish flu outbreak between 1918 and 1920, killing an estimated 17.4 million people. The only real way of communicating over any distance back then was via telegram. Sending telegrams was ponderous, and there was also a considerable time lag between when you sent a telegram and when you received a response. There was also a ten-word limit per telegram. So, no video calls or texting friends and loved ones during the Spanish Flu. No BBC or Netflix either. In fact, no television. Imagine what that would have been like, and then think about how lucky you were to have had access to the internet and other technology during the COVID-19 pandemic.

We are all capable of finding silver linings, both after trivial inconveniences and life-changing difficulties. Think of the disappointments, setbacks, and challenges that you have managed to get through or overcome. Have you been ill but felt stronger for coming out the other side? Have you lost a job only to find a better one later? Have you had a difficult relationship breakup but have ended up in a better one since? There are many stories of people who have experienced major setbacks, recovered, and turned them into a force for good.

Nelson Mandela was imprisoned for twenty-seven years but came out looking for unification rather than revenge. Fifteen-year-old Malala Yousafzai was shot in the head in Pakistan because of her activism for female education. She recovered from life-threatening surgery and has since devoted herself to promoting peace, becoming the youngest-ever Nobel Prize laureate. There are also many others that you have probably never heard of. Kate Baker, a thirty-seven-year-old mum from the UK, spent months in hospital getting treatment for a brain tumour which would have killed her within six hours if doctors hadn’t treated it. A few years later, Kate spent six days enduring searing heat to trek through the Sahara Desert for The Brain Tumour Charity. She said: “I left hospital under a rainbow of glittery colours eternally grateful for a second crack at life. I think I am happier now than I was before.”

You can also seek silver linings or get good out of bad after your mistakes or poor behaviour. Rather than feeling continuing shame that makes you feel stuck or guilt that makes you feel unable to contribute, you can accept your mistake, make amends if possible, and change your future behaviour in a positive way. Some people may still remind you of your past and consider you damaged goods or beyond redemption, but you can still decide to make a positive impact in the world. Get good out of bad.

However, life’s clouds can be fickle things. A dark cloud can develop a silver lining only to lose it and then gain it back. To illustrate this, consider the Daoist story of the farmer whose horse ran away. When the neighbours heard what happened, they came to commiserate with the farmer. ‘What bad luck.’ they said. ‘Maybe.’ he answered. The following day, the horse not only returned but also brought six wild horses with him. ‘What good luck.’ his neighbour said. ‘Maybe.’ the farmer answered. The next day, the farmer's son tried to ride one of the wild horses but was thrown from it and broke a leg. ‘What bad luck.’ his neighbours said. ‘Maybe.’ the farmer replied. The day after that, the emperor's officers came to the farmer's village to conscript young men for the army. Because he had a broken leg, they rejected the farmer's son. ‘What good luck.’ the villagers told him. ‘Maybe.’ was all he replied.

What lesson does this teach us? A Stoic would suggest that when dark clouds appear, look for their silver linings, but as you do so, keep in mind that those silver linings are also likely to disappear. Therefore, it makes sense when times are good to prepare yourself for difficult times. This is what the Stoic training I discussed in the previous post is all about.

So, look for silver linings. When something bad happens, take some time to accept it and come to terms with it, and then see it as an opportunity to get good out of bad.